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The Theran Mystique - Volume 1, Issue 8
Titasher writes,

I recently conquered one of my few fears of climbing trees. I found a squirrels nest, and beside the nest on the tree bark I found some words carved. The words were "Tippidy Boo Bop Ba Bee Bee Bop." I was curious if this was your doing, and wished to know what it means.

Well Titasher, for conquering your fear of climbing trees, good for you, though it won't help you any when someone shoves you out of the top of one at a hundred feet above ground. Not that I'm saying that'll happen, so don't be on your guard against it. As for the words carved into the trees, well, it wasn't my work or the work of anyone I know, so I'm guessing it was done by Jerouniset while he was feeling the effects of his cigars, he does a lot of pointless stupid things when he's smoked those, or maybe that's part of being a slimy lizard. Either is quite possible. My advice is ignore the writing as it's just senseless writing put there by a senseless lizard.

Qorblotz asks,
I am going into the retail Beard business in Timaran and need some advice. Is a Gnome beard best plucked out hair by hair, and then reconstructed, or by hacking off the whole thing at once? The first method seems too time consuming, but the second means I'd probably get some Gnome face mixed in with the hair. I think there's a market out there for Gnome Beard earmuffs. Maybe you'd donate yours.

Well, first you'd have to get ahold of a Gnome to remove his beard, and that's more difficult then you think. We're slippery when wet, or when we don't want to be caught. Second, you'd have to restrain the Gnome. Which is also difficult because we'll bite off your fingers and or any part of your face we can get our teeth on, if you tried to restrain one of us. And try tying a Gnome up with only a few fingers left. It's not easy. Then, as far as removing it goes, it could be shaved off easily enough, with a razor, and then there'd be no need to harm the Gnome in the removal of it. Of course, you might wish to harm him anyways, since he'll have most likely caused you serious pain and aggravation during his capture. And, I doubt there's a market for Gnome Beard earmuffs. Why? Because our beards, while amazingly soft and attractive, and warm, give off a scent to giants, which makes it irresistible for a giant to try to whack the bearer of the Gnome hair with a large club. It's an odd side effect to Gnome hair, I'll be the first to admit. But it's true. And no, my beard is far too luxurious and soft to donate to you, the ladies love it, and its a badge of honor among Gnomes.

Argith asks,

I like taking things from people, but sometimes they get rather upset and try to kill me. I personally think this is pretty rude of them, I mean, I know I wouldn't kill someone who stole something from me. Because I can always steal it right back. And I know not everyone can steal, but chances are they don't need what I take from them anyways. Why does everyone have to be so violent? Why won't they stop the madness? That goes double for those violent Knights.

Well Argith, when someone loses an item of theirs, they tend to get mad more about the fact they believe they've been violated rather then the fact the item was so important to them. And that makes them want to lash out, personally, I don't like having my things stolen either, it's just depressing. But I see where you're coming from, it must be hard to go get for yourself what someone has just lying around in their sack or what not. Here's what I suggest, steal something from someone you don't like, and try to trade it to someone else for something of theirs. And then tell the person you stole the first item from that they paid you to do it. If they believe you, then they'll focus their anger on the other person, and it's a win-win situation. If it doesn't work just rob him some more until he's cowed into submission. And as for the Knights trying to kill you, well, that human Rosalyn has tried killing me too lately, and I have to say it's quite bothersome. Some people just don't have a sense of humor, and take everything personally. To those people, I say, just because you were locked in a closet as a child and beat often with a cast-iron rod, doesn't mean you should have to us the rest of us as targets for your pent up aggression. Good luck with your crime spree Argith. Steal me something nice.

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